I have decided Brutus is the only guy I need in my life!
Back in September I signed up for online dating. You can read about some of my adventures here, here, and here. I have not blogged about it in almost two months for a couple reasons.
1. I had nothing to update
2. When I finally had an update I wanted to wait
Well now that I have waited I can share my update. About a month ago I started talking to someone I met online. Everything I saw on his profile was great and when we started talking we didn't stop. It was so nice to have someone to talk to. But as time went on things changed.
He was nothing but a gentleman to me. We had so much in common. We had plans to meet this past weekend (due to Thanksgiving we had been waiting to meet). And then I had a change of heart and called things off.
So what happened to make me have such a drastic change of heart before even meeting him? A lot actually. And it was not a decision I came to over night, easily, or without a lot of stress on my heart and on my mind.
One of my constant and biggest prayers is that God will lead me down the path He has for me. That I will follow His plan in everything that I do. When I started online dating it was incorporated into this prayer. That I would follow the Lord's path for me and that if I was meant to find someone I would. And I would because that was His plan for me, not my own plan.
When I started talking to this guy I continued to pray about whether or not he was the person I would have any kind of future with. And if I was not to have a future with him then I would know it before I got hurt in the process.
After almost a month of talking (via text only) and with plans set for meeting, I was not at peace with any of it. I had no butterfly feelings (really I had never had any while talking to him), I was sick to my stomach, and I could not sleep at all. I would dread the idea that he would text me and I did not want to talk to him. Nothing felt right.
All I could think about was if this was someone I would possibly have some kind of future with then why do I feel so negatively about it?? Why do I not want to talk to him at all? Why do I get annoyed with things he says? Why do I feel so stressed about it all?
I finally came to the realization that this was not meant to be for me. When I brought it up to friends and loved ones they all asked the same question, "Are you sure this isn't nerves?". Hands down I knew it was not nerves and I was not scared. I may not know how to talk about my feelings, but I do know them and I know myself. Things were not right.
Add in the fact that we live two hours apart and would have to each drive a ways to meet, I had to put and end to things. And with the help of a wonderful friend I did. I felt so completely awful to do this to him. I knew it was going to come out of the blue, and I really hate hurting people. He was so sweet and understanding which was so nice to hear.
The moment I told him my feelings and made the decision to not meet with him I was immediately at peace. I was freed from my stress and worry. I know I made the right choice and I do not regret it at all.
Through this whole process I came to realize something pretty important. I pushed for me to meet someone. I told myself I needed someone in order to be happy. I wanted to be in a relationship and I pushed for it to happen. I followed my own path and prayed the Lord would follow.
I needed to follow my own path in order to learn that for the first time in my life, I am happy being single. Being single is a good thing. Through this time of being single I will better be able to bless others and myself. I want to focus on my career and being the best counselor I can be.
I feel as though this is the path God has for me. And as long as I allow him to be in control of my life, I know that I will be doing what is right for me. I know I will succeed and be happy, even if it is just me and Brutus. For now I will enjoy this time of my life. And when it is time for me to be in a relationship I will.