If you asked me to give you one word that described my life right now it would be: STRESSED. I am pull my hair out kind of stressed. I have no time for a social life and all I do is work and school. And I cannot figure out how to get around it!
I have reached a point to where I cannot remember a day when I have not cried (stress makes me cry). And I cannot remember a day when I did not have something scheduled to do. I have had no free days in a long time. I have reached the point to where Church has become such a low priority that I cannot remember the last time I went. And that makes me sad.
Lately I have been beyond overwhelmed with school. Yes I knew Grad School would be hard, but this hard? I have always been a good student and had lots of confidence in my school work. But lately I second guess everything I turn in and doubt that I will ever get a good grade again.
It all started last week when I got a bad grade on a paper. A grade I have not seen in so long that I thought it was a joke, a mistake, someone else's fault. But it wasn't. Here is to the girl that can't read directions! It doesn't help that this one professor is very vague with his assignments and I never think I do them right.
I also set a very big goal for myself at the start of grad school (one that I have not shared with almost anyone). I wanted to get straight A's. I knew if I devoted the time and effort to it I could make it happen. But then the semester happened and I feel as though I am letting myself down.
Come to find out though, not getting straight A's is not the end of the world. I need to let go of these ridiculously high expectations of myself and just live life. I need to find myself in all of this again. I need my confidence back. I have almost NEVER second guessed my school work and hate that I am now. It's not me and it's not who I want to be.
So from this moment on I am going to work harder to get my work done during the week. This way I have some free time for me. I can get my mind back on track. I have been craving a day at the beach, sitting by the ocean, riding on the boat and just soaking it all in. Maybe one weekend I will make that happen!
Prayers through all of this would be greatly appreciated. This semester has knocked me down again and again and it is only one month in. I know with God I will be able to survive and come out alive on the other side….if there is an other side!